From behind me I heard 'Welcome, welcome, you must be our honoured guest Mr Vincenzo Cunningham!!',it was the local mayor.... 'er, well actually'....' I recognise your accent immediately, come come it is nearly the time'.....'OK thanks, thats grand' I said in a pathetic effort at sounding Irish.As he put his arm around my shoulder and walked me along the red carpet into the cinema, he added 'We expected you to be a bit taller but really it dosent matter'.So I was in, that was the main thing, I'd just have to pretend to be Vinny for the evening.I was led to the royal box and sat on a throne like seat with 'Vincenzo Cunningham' engraved on the back in gold leaf.

We had a couple of minutes before the film started, the place was packed to the rafters.The mayor leaned across 'I like the website, but tell me, what is this CMoS, what does it mean?'..'It's a guy named Colin, CMoS is just the name he uses on the computor'...'But what does it mean?'....'I don't know, its a mystery to us all'.He went on,'I read the 'talk' page often but I do not understand, my English is not so good'...'Oh, really, thats a shame'...'Yes, but this CMoS I understand him completely'.Well, you're on your own there mate I thought.

Cliff, you must be losing your touch mate if you didn't get the tapes. You should have got her number so the rest of us guys could have a try. Anyway, what happened next?

Is there a doctor in the house?? A classic case of undertones-itis I think. Gets to us all but in Cliff's case things have taken a turn for the worst and he's now having delusions he's a famous undertones film producer. (He's not bad at writing scripts though!) Next he'll be imagining himself on stage with a pair of maracas and start using the initials C(MTU) on here. For the last 20 years doctors have been searching for a cure but to no avail. Fortunately remedial therapy is available to all sufferers and the next course of treatment will begin on 19 December at clinics in Cork and Dublin.

Yes, what happened next? Did the Mayor present you with a spanish oscar (similar to the american ones but with a little sombrero on the top) and did you cry buckets during your speech? We need to know.

Why didn't the mayor think you were older than he expected as well as smaller Cliff. Let's hope you journey to the Rotterdam Film Festival is as exciting. Better start practising your Dutch. I think the Ferry's depart from Hull for Rotterdam.

Vinny, Where did the film come in the top 100 films on Channel 4? I'll be watching tonight, but I don't think it will be on. It's bound to be in the top 50 on tommorrow night.

Cliff, where are you? Have the Spanish customs got you accusing you of smuggling out Undertones T-Shirts.