Once upon a time - in the land of cows and chikens and very brainy men - there lived The Undertones. Now these Undertones - five in all - were destined in life to make songs of merriment and sadness for all the world's people to listen or dance to or criticize - in that order.

They lived happily ever after until one day Boss said - "Go and make 20 new songs for next L.P." So away went The Undertones upon their labour diligently - working until task was complete and 20 songs were born. Only trouble was it took them longer than longer thought.

"Right!" says Boss - "I will now produce a producer to produce the product." Alas to say the product produced dust instead of production 'cos no producer could be prompted to - ahem - produce. Anyway - away went Boss - madly fuming - until at last producer Mike Hedges came to Undertoneland and exclaimed "I'll Undertone it!".

So - lo and behold the songs were in the kettle after a long - long period of months or two.

Meanwhile - back on earth - a brand new black shiny song - "The Love Parade" was singled out but was regrettably rejected by the men who talk and laugh on the wireless and control our thoughts -- "We never hear it on our trannies so why should we buy it?" chorused a public opinion - weaned on a diet daily of dross like Zoo You and Fear a Tear and quite right they were too - for "The Love Parade" was quickly halted and laid to rest for evermore amen.

Nonetheless disappointed - an Undertone 33 was created - labelled "The Sin of Pride" which contained 10 songs plus 1 to be rushed and released for Yule Tide and quickly followed by a tour or two. "Ah Ha!" says Nance - "Now it's time for Rocking Humdinger people to look and learn at last - at last."

But alas - what was to be was not to be - for the man at E.M.I - was not pleased after an earache of "The Sin of Pride" and cast doubts on Boss and Undertones alike also.

"This record needs a sprightly remixer I'm afraid" agreed all and so at this time in moment The Undertones await a remixer which to say needlessly means more and more delay - delay.

"Oh No!" gasps Nance - "What shall I tell Rocking Humdinger people?" and she prayed and prayed until God answered "Leave it to the genius of words and wisdom" - and so it came to be that these scriptures were written -

The Undertones are featured on an L.P. to be released within the next few days entitled "LIFE IN thE EUROPEAN thEAtrE". Other groups on the L.P. are The Clash - The Jam - The Beat - The Specials - XTC - Peter Gabriel - lan Dury and the Blockheads - Madness - Bad Manners - The Stranglers - Echo and the Funnymen - and The Au Pairs. All the royalties from the sale of the L.P. will go towards various Anti-Nuclear organisations and campaigns. The catalogue number is K58412.

Well - that's all for this year - Happy Christmas and New Year.